Ever have a span of a couple of days where there's a lot of deep thoughts on your mind? That's been me for the past weekend--a combination of soul searching, self-analysis, meditation and prayer... heavy stuff.
Yesterday evening as Hubby and I sat watching a show we had on the dvr, I had an epiphany. Fortunately, Hubby is good at pausing shows when I say, "Can you pause it?" and is wonderful at listening to me as I vocalize a cascade of jumbled thoughts that can't seem to find a focus until I've spoken them.
My epiphany was the realization that up until last January, I've spent my entire adult life (and most of my teen years) trapped by a disease. That concept sunk in hard.
I could see myself like a little baby chick chipping away from the inside of an egg.
Chip... chip... chip...
And suddenly I find myself a wet little chick with my head and body spilling out of the egg that took so long to break through. I feel wobbly. I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. But I feel free.
Freedom is something so new I don't know quite what to do with myself. My dream for so long was to finally be done with chipping through that eggshell... now that the eggshell lays behind me, I'm kind of stumped for a dream... a plan... some goals.
In the past, I've tried to define myself with titles based on what diversions I'm interested in at that given moment--artist, photographer, gardener. But I've flitted so much from one interest and pursuit to another over the years, those close to me have wearied of the long list of titles I've accumulated.
Yesterday, I realized the reason for my flitting is because no one thing was really my dream as in "I've always dreamed of... fill in the blank". They were really coping mechanisms to get through the rough things I was dealing with at the time. The days of "when I grow up I want to be..." were so long ago I've forgotten what I would say. The only real dream I really remember wanting more than anything was to find my soul mate. I found him. And fortunately he feels the same about me as I feel about him. *grin*
I'm just a funny looking little wet chick with my only dreams being getting my feathers to dry and my legs to not wobble. Maybe that's a good dream for the time being considering how long it took to break out of that blasted eggshell.
Seems like more and more every day is a Shania Twain "Today Is Your Day" kind of day...